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ejaydoeshisbest · 9 months ago

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How re-reading Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe brought this miserable, lonely 29-year-old back to life.

THIS IS NOT A REVIEW OR REACTION OF ARISTOTLE AND DANTE DISCOVER THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE. It’s more like how the story and characters brought me back to life and how it reignited some of my dreams. This is also like stream-of-consciousness writing, meaning some points will be redundant.

The summary of this long post:

Literature and art make life beautiful. I have lost myself for so long. Now I have found myself again, and healing, through the power of stories. My core identity is resurfacing, settling itself nicely in my chest. It’s like I am beating with a new heart, though my body still remains sickly.

But I will fight for this reignited free-spirited dreamer who lives each day with gratitude, purpose, and love. Dante Quintana taught me that. My north star is twinkling again, shining with the radiance of my purest and noblest dream, which is to live life absorbing and expressing myself through stories.

I realized that cutting that dreaming, idealistic part of me only brought misery. By conforming to the constraints of my reality (poverty, meeting social expectations, and following societal norms) and shifting my mindset to reflect those around me, I became a common lemming with no color in his life.

I don’t want to go down the traditional, practical route anymore. Just like Benjamin Alire Saenz, I just want to write, even when that means compromising with reality, like taking a minimum wage job near where I live just so I can have the time to express myself even when no one hears whatever I have to say. Better that than work a soul-sucking corporate job.

Magic happened back then when I allowed it to manifest in serendipitous ways in my life. When I listened to my instincts and my gut, coupled with discipline and hard work. I was open, and so the world opened up to me. And the world was beautiful. I was true to myself like Dante was, and like how Aristotle learned to become. I had forgotten that.

Now, though, I have to be open to the world and be cautious at the same time. I just have to be careful. Dante got beat up because he didn’t run. I’ve got to make sure that I can be like Aristotle and learn how to defend myself even with my small body.

I’m not sure if I can get back to that raw state of vulnerability where every hour of every day that I am awake was nurturing this wistful perception about the world. I’ve seen enough of it to know that there are vile monsters dwelling in dark places. But I will be honest in the way I live my life. I owe that to myself.

Besides, maybe I can find some good people in my journey of truth. Reading Aristotle and Dante again filled me with hope that I would still meet some bright, wonderful people—people who were touched by the story of these two boys, who are sensitive and are not afraid to live their own truth.

Part I – The Re-Read

Who knew that opening and reading one of my favorite novels again—the one I’ve been wanting to read since early this year—the one that’s been on my study desk for months now, drinking the golden rays of the midday sun, could help me find myself again.

It helped heal me, more than anything I’ve been doing so far. Just like Pixar’s Luca did, created by Enrico Casarosa. Just like Heartstopper did, created by Alice Oseman.

It awakened my dormant spirit. For so long, I let fear and general lethargy, depression and anxiety swallow me whole. I viewed the world as this miserable place to live in. I forgot to dream of possibilities. I forgot to retreat into this childlike perspective that worked for me. I forgot to delight in the simplest things: the icing on a cupcake, the smell of coffee in a cozy coffee shop, the sunset hitting the skyscrapers, the laughter shared between close friends. I forgot myself.

The first time I read the book, I thought it was simply a feel-good, well-written, lyrical young gay romance. It has helped me come to terms with my sexuality and it told me that it was all right to love someone, even if we’re both boys. The writing is warm and lyrical and gentle even through some difficult, emotional scenes.

It filled me with the hope that someday when I was older and more sure of myself, I would experience that kind of love.

And even if I didn’t find this wonderful love shared between two people, then I would still have the wonderful message of this story. Of loving yourself, of discovering yourself and staying true to yourself. Treating yourself gently and treating those around you with grace and compassion, and defending what good you believe in. Of never running away from what you believe is right.

After reading Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe for the second time, I fell back into the age and state and place I was in the first time I read it; a young man who had freshly come to terms with his sexuality, full of hopes about his future. He was excited for the life he was dreaming and planning for.

But reading it again after 8 years felt like I was mourning a part of myself, too. This book hangover is deep and life-altering. The impact was greater, heavier.

When the afterglow from reading the book receded, I was a sickly adult once more; one who had made some major wrong choices in life. And if not the wrong choices, then someone who wasted his good years by being a lazy, anxious, depressed slob, afraid to make any choices at all, whether good or bad. I was a waste of space, back in his old childhood room, wasting his time, wasting whatever remaining youth he still had in him.

It hurt because I was not a young man, and it hurt that I’ve done nothing good and useful in my life. I have not accomplished not one of my major dreams.

Maybe that was why even though I placed it on top of my desk, I was hesitant to open its pages again. Because I subconsciously knew that it would hurt. Though the story still lingered in the deepest chambers of heart, in the recesses of my tarnished spirit, all through these years, it was still faint to not make any considerable impact. It was then just a delightful story. And now that I am reminded of its power, it broke me, and then it repaired my broken heart.

I had forgotten the message and story, and how could I? After it has served me so well and impacted my young adult life. It made me romanticize my life, fall in love with the world, and be conscious of my youth.

Perhaps I thought it silly that I was too invested in a fictional world when the stressors of reality were so hard and demanded my full attention. Maybe that’s why I let the message go, because I thought it didn’t apply in the real world. In my reality.

Perhaps I listened to the people from a corporate setting; those wearing business suits and ties Monday to Saturday, that I kicked all my childlike wonder to the curb.

Or perhaps daring to dream, persistently, was slowly killing me on the inside as I became an overworked and underpaid corporate slave surviving in a developing country like the Philippines, with its corrupt government and ungodly four-hour traffic congestions that eats up most of your life. The added pressure of going through weeks, then months, then years, of putting my dreams and personal goals on hold was so painful that I abandoned them completely. The dreamer in me disappeared, and that was when I became jaded, cynical, anxious, miserable, and depressed.

Now, I am reminded to stay true to myself. To be good, even though the world is cruel. To be strong so I can defend myself, my dreams, and those who I love. To not be ashamed, so long as I do not hurt anyone. To dream big and to live a life full of love.

Part II – Inspired by Young Fictional Characters

I want to go on an adventure like Dante. Or I want to be like him.

I want to pretend that I am young and live in America and have the option and freedom to move to any state I want. I want to feel myself again. I want to restart my life. I want to do things that bring me joy and give joy to people.

Now that I am a lost, directionless fool, I am actively yearning and envious of Dante’s free-spirited nature. I used to be like him way back when I was his age and up to college. Heck, maybe even a few years into my early adulthood.

I am envious of Dante now because he gets to go to the places I want to go, and I am resentful of his artistic spirit and how easily he expresses himself, and mourning how my spirit used to float like his.

I see all these images of me in this alternate life, now that I get to dream. I am visiting New York or Los Angeles or Chicago.

I am in the middle of the art scene, bathed in neon red, orange, and blue lights. I am in my element and I have the energy to explore. Or I am in a literary scene. Or I am in a cozy bookstore/library. I work as a Starbucks barista somewhere nearby. Or maybe I am a creative entrepreneur, making decent income selling prints or self-publishing my work online. I have friends that I’ll keep forever no matter the distance, instead of losing the few remaining friends that I have, because we try our best to understand each other care for each other. This is all what I wanted in life.

Dante makes me feel young and hopeful. He reminds me to let things go and be earnest and joyful and accept all that life has to offer and show up as my real self, even if it hurts.

Maybe this is a passing feeling. Maybe I’m just inspired by all the Western young adult novels that I’ve read. Maybe I’m just riding on the book hangover I’m feeling right now.

I’m not sure if this is a problem. I don’t know if this is silly. That this powerful drive in me was inspired by fictional characters in fictional stories, but I suppose we all take inspiration from somewhere.

I’d rather take inspiration that stirs me to act than be an emotionless lump of despair going through the motions and reliving his miserable existence.

I want the comfort and beauty of fiction to bleed into my everyday boring life because repressing the lessons and impact of fiction is like repressing my creativity and inner playful dreaming child. And that is a promise to myself to never do again.

When I thought about it more, the qualities found in my favorite novels apply in the real world, too. I also know that there are other dreamers just like me out there who are making their own little spaces bright and beautiful. Maybe if I stayed true to myself and follow this new, instinctual path, it would lead me to meeting these wonderful, creative people.

The biggest challenge now is re-learning how to love this slow, sick body and to work with its strengths and limitations to live the kind of life that I want. I’m way past being a young teenager or young adult. I still have to be practical about most things, but not enough to ruin the dreamer in me.

I may be older than I’d like to be when reclaiming my life, but I am still 29. I’m going to give it my all these 8 months until my birthday to pursue all my passion projects even though I’m still unwell.

Part III – Healing the Inner Child

Aitch Alberto, the brilliant director who pushed FOR YEARS to make a movie adaptation of Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe, mentioned in an interview that reading the story unlocked something magical and indescribable in her that inspired her to live her true self.

That was what I felt after reading the book, too. It is a testament to its timelessness. The power of stories, in general, is amazing. It had unlocked my core identity; the one I kept chained in the deepest chambers of my heart. And with it came back my highest dreams and ambitions. My purpose in life—the same one I had when I was 18—resurfaced. To tell stories. That was what gave my life meaning. To read and to be touched by stories and to share my own stories to those who want to listen.

And to explore myself by opening myself up to the world and its endless opportunities. To grow by learning with other people and being amazed at what they can do. To collaborate with past and future friends.

I want to carve another path for myself and devote myself to that path for a couple of months and see what happens. If I failed, it wouldn’t matter, because at least I tried, and I was true to myself while doing it, instead of allowing reality to dampen my spirits. At least I tried to really push myself towards a noble pursuit that I believed in when I was still a young boy.

I could do so much more if I wasn’t so hard on myself and thought negatively about myself. I wasted years of my life being miserable, instead of allowing the beauty of fiction to replenish my tired spirit.

This book has inspired to me re-do my life. To get back on track. To fight and not ask for permission and to build the life I want for myself. Focus and determination and grit, like what Aitch said in her many interviews.

I have overcomplicated life for long enough. I want to pursue my many passions again, little by little, because THEY’RE FUN AND JOYFUL AND WORTHWHILE.

Part IV – Staying True and Exploring Myself

We live in an era where we can keep exploring our identities. Our paths can diverge depending on our many interests. We won’t feel stuck being just artists or corporate professionals or any other profession.

We can build ourselves so long as we keep moving forward in meaningful directions. I’ve got to remember to not let go of the things that give my life meaning and joy. If I get lost, I hope that it won’t be too cringe if I imitate the characters in the books I’ve read. It’s not like I have many great real-life inspirations where I’m from.

I might try to explore and express myself in different mediums that inspire me. Aside from great novels, there are other moving artforms, like drawing, painting, vlogging.

Maybe I can explore my abilities and contribute something good to the world while staying true to myself and having fun by experimenting with them all, one by one.

Maybe I could start by writing stories, then after 2 – 3 months of consistently doing that, I can progress to simple sketches and finally learn how to draw!

What’s important is that I’m doing something meaningful in life. I’d like to believe that that’s all there is to it: doing the things you believe you were set in this world to do. I hope that with each artistic or creative venture, I have something good to add to the world. The output isn’t as important as the journey, just like how Dante lives his life.

I just hope that I don’t get into the trap of feeling self-conscious that I am too old to be free-spirited and curious. This cautious voice inside me tells me to not actually regress back into a 16-year-old, of course. I must live in the present and navigate the waters of the new reality I am creating carefully.

But in whatever I set out to do, I must make sure that it is an authentic adventure; that whatever great works of art or literature I encounter, it has to be aligned with the kind of life I’m cultivating. If I am to participate and add my own voice in the mix, I must make sure I have something good to say.

Part V – Sticking to a Plan

In this part, I am heavily inspired by Aristotle. The simple thing he did of working at a diner. I don’t know, something about that is appealing to me, especially as an old, unemployed, lost person.

I liked his independence. Independence and maturity were my best qualities before, back at my prime.

Now that I plan on getting my life back together, getting a job at a nearby donut shop or mall feels like the right step for me. It also offers the freedom for me to have time to work on my hobbies.

Maybe I can start there, since I feel like I was at the age I started reading the novel, anyway. Teens and young adults got their start working a minimum-wage part-time or full-time job, right? It feels like getting a job out of high school, the do-over I need right now. Then after work, I can fully focus on writing. Just writing for now. And stay true to the stories that I want to tell.

Baby steps. That’s the key. Take small, enjoyable steps that make life more meaningful.

The little boy inside me is still there. I don’t want to chase money anymore. I just want to be secure enough so I can try new things.

I’ve been browsing Instagram and Pinterest recently. I think I like the 80s to 90s aesthetic. Maybe I can try posting photos of anything related to that. Maybe I can tell a story through photography. Maybe I can tell a story through painting or drawing. Maybe I can start a book vlog or a journal vlog. I just want to create stories so long as there’s something worthwhile to say.

Again, Dante inspired me to be free and express myself and he reminded me to keep dreaming and act on those dreams. Like he did when he went to Chicago with his parents. Like how I did when I was in college. I romanticized my life and built many useful skills and befriended a lot of people with their own stories to share. I was so confident in my own skin. I kissed girls, I kissed boys. I wrote, I drew, I captured bright moments. Dante made me believe that I can do anything.

Perhaps I also killed my childlike wonder when I mistakenly thought that growing up and being mature means detaching myself all things playful and creative. My priorities of keeping a 9-6, 6 days a week job, made me forget what matters to me the most.

Conclusion

Reading young adult novels like Aristotle and Dante made me remember the good days that I wanted to have. There were other stories that made a deep impact at certain points in my life. There’s “Freak the Mighty”, “Meet the Robinsons”, “Love of Siam”, “The Song of Achilles”, and many others. Last year I had this sort of mourning period after watching “Heartstopper” Season 1 on Netflix. It was a joyful, uplifting show, but I was sad for all the people who did not experience that kind of love.

It's funny how I can remember myself or identify myself with characters from fiction novels than the people I'm with. Sometimes, I think it's because I'm in the Philippines and that people are more individualistic in other places. Like Western countries. They're not afraid to explore themselves and the world around them. Then again, their world has so much to offer.

The trick now is how to keep that free-spirited nature even as an older, impoverished man who wasted most of his opportunities in life and inaction.

I have to find the balance between channeling this constant vulnerable and emotional state I’m in to make good and meaningful work while also facing reality. I have to find the magic in the everyday even if not much of that is happening lately in my small corner of the universe. I have to remember that there is a twinkling north star that is guiding me if I know where to look.

I believe that’s what makes everyone special: that deep feeling that is everyone’s north star. To live life like you were meant to do. To act on meaningful things that give you purpose. To love life through trials.

I want to fill my life with different eras full of passion projects so that I don’t waste any more days. I just need to be brave again. And to just live my life regardless of the limits of my reality. We only have one life to live. I don’t want to waste my life scared and worrying about the same old things. I’d rather experience tolerable pain doing the things that matter most to me and proactively doing it than living in fear.

I have to believe that even though I may not have that vibrant youth anymore, I can do more than just dream now: I can act.

Thank you, Benjamin Alire Saenz, for writing Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe. And for Aitch Alberto, for adapting it into a heartwarming film.